Friday, October 31, 2014

PostHeaderIcon A Broken Soul

Yes. I have been hiding under a rock. Even now I don't want to come climbing out but life is passing me by and I have to either decide to live it or just totally give in.  I have spent the past few months trying to redefine what my marriage should be.....or rather....I knew what it should have been (AND WHAT I THOUGHT IT WAS) but the other half did not. I will not give out gory details but an alcohol addiction that my husband was able to hide from me because of the way he was away for work all the time was the driving force for a life evaluation and choice I was given to either walk away or stay. I have chosen to stay. I made a commitment that I will honor even though I had every reason in the world not to.  I am still on shaky ground with tons of emotions from all the fall out. At first I clung to my faith.....then I cursed God.....and then clung some more....I am still working out hurt and anger and trying to surround myself with positive. I just never thought I could love someone and want to hurt him like I was hurting all at the same time.  No one died, yet there was a death. A part of me died. I don't know if I will ever get it back.  My critics have painted me as a "glass half empty" kinda girl but I am really the "glass half full" girl. I believe in people and give them way to many chances when most people would just cut their losses. I do believe people can change. I have. I have needed chances. I guess that is why I will always risk getting hurt even when the smart thing would be to run in the opposite direction.   

I am slowly getting the courage to believe in myself again. My brain knows I am not responsible for my husband's less than stellar behavior but emotionally all I can do it think of all the what if's I did this or that, or if I was prettier, sexier, skinnier, fatter, all the awful things we women can think of to do damage to our self esteem. And I should add this....he does not blame me for any of his bad decisions or his drinking. He has taken full responsibility.
It however, does not stop me from fighting the feeling of being inadequate. 
I go to bed every night with the resolve to wake up and face the day fiercely....the first few weeks the resolve was to wake up and just make it through the day.

Over these past few years I had quit and/or severely cut back on doing the things I enjoyed such as art journaling, photography, scrapbooking or just going out and doing girly things. All this in a effort of what I thought would let him know that I wanted to give him attention and listened to how he felt. In the end, I lost. I gave up my identity. The sad part is that I did not even know it. I prided myself on being a strong independent woman who could tackle the world but that was just the pretty picture I got good at letting the world see. Love should not take away from who you are. Love should add. Two shall become one....but the one should also still be a functioning and thriving individual. I was not that anymore. My life revolved around his wants, needs etc....he didn't demand it. He didn't have to. He wasn't home like we wanted so I felt like I NEEDED to be at his beck and call when he was.  No I was not perfect. Not the perfect housewife in the perfect mood or any of that jazz like you would see on the Leave it to Beaver show. 

So here I am just trying to reconnect with the world and put my broken soul back together. I will never be the same person I was but I am very much working on being okay with that fact. I don't know how long it will take but I am hoping that on this journey to heal and rediscover who I am again that I will wake up one one morning and I won't have to "try" to face the day fiercely because it will be the day that will be going "Whoa!!!! Look out!!! Here she comes!!!" and I will have the joy back of just being the best me I can be.

*Just a couple of extra notes. The husband is no longer working a job that takes him away from home and he has been alcohol free since July 5th. I am very proud of him for that.  

*RedHead Girl Photography is little ole me. 

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

PostHeaderIcon Exploring Photo Apps

This marks the last week of our massive spring cleaning.  The annual youth group rummage sale is set for this coming weekend and what is not boxed and sent by tomorrow will be donated to Goodwill or "if" I can find room to store it till next year I will. After a couple of loads of the car stuffed from the backseat to the trunk, I don't think I will have many things left to worry over. 

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

The very best places to get free and easy to manage boxes are Radio Shack's (they get deliveries on Wednesdays) and banana boxes from the grocery store. The banana boxes are my favorite because they have handles. 

When not doing that, I have been driven batty with trying to get my Olympus DSLR working properly but I have come to the conclusion that it has come time to start saving up for a new camera. I will admit that I whined and felt sorry for myself for a bit but then decided to take it as a challenge. The best camera is the one that you have with you sooooooo since I have my iPhone with me almost all the time I decided to see how far I can stretch the creativeness of the photography apps and practice my general photo taking skills.  

Here is a before photo of my DD. No editing. Taken with my iPhone 5.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

And here is the After. I loved her profile in this and I wanted to do something really artsy but worthy of framing. 

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

I am very pleased with how it turned out. The only thing that bugs me is the gap on the shadow on the horizontal arrow. What looked good on the small screen on my iPhone doesn't when I see it on a bigger screen. (oh how I would ♥ and iPad) I can't tell you what settings or what order I used these time I share before/after photos I will be more prepared to share those steps. 
Here's the apps I used:
Rhonna Designs 

Here is another Before, no editing and taken with the iPhone 5. The afternoon sun was absolutely gorgeous shining on this Red Flowering Quince. It's one of the first things to bloom in the spring.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

This is the After. Again, I was just playing around just to see how far I could push the apps and keep my photo looking like a cool artsy piece that I would actually be proud to frame. 

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Apps used:

All export at full resolution and all of them have in app purchases for extra filters. In my personal opinion you get a lot of bang for the buck and the extras run from 99 cents to $2.99, definitely nothing too outrageously expensive.

I would absolutely love to hear and see anything you have edited with apps. Link me up so I can leave you some love!!!!♥

Monday, March 10, 2014

PostHeaderIcon Definitely Denim ~ New from CrystalRain

CryztalRain's newest kit Definitely Denim will have you swimming in blue jean heaven! Loaded with tons of worn blue jean goodness balanced with hues of brown with the brightness of sunflowers makes for a kit that is just a delight to scrap with. Tons of brushes and masks help make it perfect for artsy journal pages or regular scrapping. On sale for a limited time at Deviant Scrap. Click Here to snag this wonderful kit to add to your digital stash of goodness.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Thursday, March 6, 2014

PostHeaderIcon The Harsh Truth of Being a Hot Mess and Fixing It

I have spent the month of February trying to find the balance again in my life. I spent a good two weeks of it feeling like I was swept away in an ocean current trying to swim my way back to shore. I was shocked at how freaked out I was after I took a very harsh look at what I had let my priorities become over the last 14 months. What I saw I did NOT like one single bit. As I was cleaning my family room I noticed the parallel themes of the magazines I had picked up at the first of the month. Was my subconscious trying to tell me something?!?!?!?  These two covers said it life needed balancing AND organizing. I had become a hot mess and my home right along with me....if you came to visit, things looked great, I just would not advise looking in closets or time traveling 30 minutes before you arrived. I had become the Queen of "Ten Minute Tidy". 

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Armed with the harsh facts of what was not working, I went to work to set it right again. I am not saying that a clean house cures all, but for me, it makes me feel like I have control again. I control the things. They don't control me. The messiness in my home would no longer be dictating my stress level, invading on my happiness, pushing me to procrastinate to do the joyful things that happen in day to day living. Everything would have a place again and when that is the case I am very content. Pristine and perfect was not my goal, tidy and lived in was.

I tackled closets, cabinets, utility room and computer/craft room and I have many boxes of well loved, gently used items to be donated to the youth group at church for their rummage sale in April. I am "almost" where I want to be before I give the final *sigh* of relief.  Last Saturday I tackled my bill pay area. As awful as this looked with tons of unopened mail, the shelves underneath it were twice as bad. I take the majority of the blame but the man also helped make this mess. I knew the regular bills but after going through it all I found things not paid or some other time sensitive mail that I had NO idea we had gotten. I always wonder why in the world when you want your man to play the silent bystander he is all mouth and when you need him to step up and do something so simple as open an envelope or just speak up and bring your attention to it....not a word? Surely I am not the only woman in the world with a husband/significant other such as this? New mail rules have been set. If you bring it are responsible for opening it....and filing in the proper place and since I know this will only be short lived...kinda like talking to a kid....I am now on notice to stay on top of it all.  Something I can do now that I am not working...let me rephrase...not working outside of the home

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

I picked up the little bins at our local Dollar Tree. I was very pleasantly surprised that they had a sturdy insert for the bottom and the sides were not flimsy. It sure beat the $6.00 a piece price that Walmart had them for. 

After an EPIC fail on the husband's part for Valentines Day, he sent me flowers for my birthday. That was on the 17th and as of today (3/6) I still have a carnation, the yellow flowers and all the greenery and fillers still looking pretty on my dining room table. I love a mixed arrangement like this much better than stinky old roses....blech!!!!!  

And on that note....I will leave you with photos of the beautiful blossoms I was treated with.♥

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Follow on Bloglovin
Follow Me on Pinterest
Image and video hosting by TinyPic
Follow on Instagram


Balinda A's items Go to Balinda A's photostream

Favorite Places

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Image and video hosting by TinyPic
Image and video hosting by TinyPic

I Print My Layouts At

Persnickety Prints!

Current Projects/Classes

Image and video hosting by TinyPic Image and video hosting by TinyPic

2014 Reading Challenge

2014 Reading Challenge
Balinda has read 0 books toward her goal of 12 books.

About Me

My Photo
Balinda (RebelChick)
Just an everyday girl trying to find my way in the world to live life fiercely and passionately. I was a signature tagger for several years but art journaling has replaced that passion and it feeds my soul creativiely and spiritually. I also homeschool my DD, scrapbook, play around in photography, spoil my cats and drive my hubby insane on a daily basis. My faith in the Lord helps me juggle all these blessings. I keep this blog because it makes me happy. Sometimes I blog a lot and other times it collects a little dust. Thanks for visiting and being my friend.♥
View my complete profile

Follow Me!